EFT for Sexual Performance in Men (Follow-up)
Follow up blog on results that last.
Someone asked me the other day are my blogs about real people and real scenarios, and I said “of course!”
What would be the point in anything else?
If I wasn’t basing the blogs on real people and actual sessions, I could be making up any thing and saying “look how awesome EFT is.”
To me, there is no integrity in that whatsoever. The whole point of these blogs is that they are about real people with very real problems that are having a big impact on their lives. And to demonstrate how EFT can safely, gently and effectively help people to change their behaviour in ways we never before thought possible.
Recently I had a unique experience where a client from another country searched online for “EFT for sexual problems in men” and found a blog post I wrote a couple of years ago on that topic. He emailed me and said to me “I am that guy “Nick” in the blog, I have the same problems (inability to ejaculate, but also inability to get an erection and I want to experience the same results that Nick has experienced with EFT”.
We had a free consultation, he signed up for my new client package straight away and he is absolutely smashing those goals he set for himself in a only a few sessions so far. We have both been pretty amazed how quickly and effectively the EFT is working for him. This is a niche area I am particularly enjoying working with, as I find most male clients are highly motivated when it comes to improving their sexual experience. Especially if it can be done in a way that is fun and pretty fast.
A few weeks later I was having a session with Nick, who I wrote that earlier blog about.
Like many of my clients he has returned to work on some other issues in his life, having experienced how well the EFT sessions helped him previously.
I let him know the impact that blog had made on this other guy, how it helped him to find the help he needed just by googling, and that he was already experiencing relief and success from the EFT sessions in relation to his sexual problems.
Nick was happy to do a follow up interview with me so we could update readers on where he is at with the sexual performance issues we worked on a couple of years ago.
To me, the really impressive thing about EFT is not just what happens in the session, and whether the person is able to reach the goal they set for themselves that week.
Of course it’s great how people often feel the energy moving around in their body, and they report that their anxiety about something has gone from a 9/10 to a zero in that session.
But what I want to know and show is how is that working for the person two years later? Do they still have that problem at all? How are they thinking and feeling about that part of their life now?
And have the results from the EFT work been lasting and permanent in real life as they are said to be in the research?
I’m so grateful to Nick that he’s been willing to share his experience, as it really does help others to see what is possible if you are working with an EFT practitioner who really knows what they are doing.
A note here to my EFT Practitioner colleagues:
I noticed a big change and quite significant improvement in my own work when looking back at these notes from 2019, and comparing them to the notes I am taking with Nick now, and also this new client I am working with on sexual performance.
Since 2019 I have completed my Advanced Certification in EFT, with Dr Craig Weiner as my mentor, where I learned a lot about setting SMART goals and measuring the success of the work done in sessions. Now, I structure sessions with a big focus on doing this well, so that the client can easily see the incredible benefit and value of the EFT sessions, which leads to more repeat business.
We have to remember the Apex effect, which is a phenomenon in EFT that means that clients will often forget just how bad their problem was when they started working with you, because those neural pathways are gone! And so it is your job to measure the severity of the problem well, set realistic goals around that, tap down whatever shows up, and then reflect the results back to your client, at the beginning and end of each session, to show how well you both did on that score.
This is what will get your clients returning and referring others to you.
For the EFT Practitioners reading my blogs, and the average person out there who knows nothing about EFT, my aim is to show you what the human body is capable of in terms of change in the mind and the body. And then what a difference that change can make in the rest of your life.
Let’s start with Nick and where he was at a couple of years ago.
Nick’s sex life in 2019:
Nick’s goal was: “To be in my body when having sex”.
This was happening less than 50% of the time in the beginning of our work.
Back in 2019 Nick was so much more in his head before, during and after sex with his new partner. Due mostly to difficulties and insecurities he had experienced in his previous relationships, he had become accustomed to sex without connection.
His pattern would be to please his partner first, as he felt that was the priority, and then he would “finish himself off afterwards”.
It didn’t feel good to be in his body during sex with his wife of many years, as she was not usually “present”. She later revealed she was same sex attracted which made a lot of sense to Nick, but did this not help his self esteem.
And so it makes sense that Nick himself had developed an unconscious strategy of not being present during sex, so he could avoid the thought and the evidence that his wife was not actually into him or the sex they were having.
Nick was constantly fearing he would not be able to satisfy his new partner (this fear was high at a 9/10 in the first session). And this fear was obviously negatively affecting his ability to have sex the way he wanted to. It was giving him a kind of “performance anxiety” in that he was not able to relax and enjoy sex with the release of an orgasm. That had to come afterwards for him.
Sex had become associated with a lot of embarrassment, shame, feelings of selfishness, and thinking that he will never be able to do sex well. Nick believed back then that he didn’t know what good sex was supposed to look like.
This problem had caused Nick a lot of frustration as he was a person with a high sex drive, (which he also felt shame about). And so it was multiple times in a week that he was being confronted by all these negative thoughts and feelings about himself as a man, and as a sexual being.
At that time he reported he was experiencing anxiety, he was not sleeping well, as he was constantly feeling insecure, ruminating about his fears of his own weakness and sexual inadequacy.
This would then show up as stress and tension in this new relationship, which was otherwise really good and healthy for Nick on so many levels.
Nick was not often experiencing orgasm during sex when we first started working together, and he had a lot of fear that this problem could end his relationship wth his current partner, whom he loved very much.
He stated that it made him feel like he was a burden in the relationship, and he was acutely aware that this problem had ended relationships for him before.
He would often find himself wondering “is she thinking of someone else when she is with me?”.
If his partner needed to use lubrication during sex, he would interpret that to mean that she didn’t find him sexy, that he wasn’t doing a good job at turning her on, thoughts which would add fuel to the fire of his already intense performance anxiety.
Nick had began to fear moments of intimacy with his new partner, which he said was crazy because connecting with her on that physical level was what he craved. He loved having sex with her, but he knew it could be so much better if he could shift these negative irrational thoughts.
The routine back then would be for him to first focus on his partner, as he had always done, and then have to finish himself off by masturbating, because he could not achieve orgasm in other ways.
Understandably, this was also affecting how his partner felt about herself, making her feel inadequate, even though Nick had told her he was very attracted to her.
Nick’s sex life in 2021
Fast forward to almost two years later exactly, and Nick is still in a very fulfilling relationship with the woman he was with when I saw him in 2019.
“I am in my body 100% of the time when we are having sex now. It’s fantastic!”
He now experiences orgasm most of the time, both during oral and penetrative sex. He previously was never able to orgasm during oral sex, so he considers this a huge bonus. If he is not able to achieve orgasm now, for whatever reason, its’s not a big deal. There’s no shame or guilt attached to that now.
“I don’t feel any shame about sex now. EFT has allowed us to have amazing sex in a SAFE way that feels free and connected. It has made it a joint experience, (it’s not all about me and what’s happening in my head anymore). And it’s something we are constantly working on together.”
Nick explained that like most of his partners, his current partner has a history of sexual trauma, which has also affected their ability to have sex the way they want to. She has being doing her own EFT work on these issues with me, which has helped a lot.
“I feel like I am getting a second chance at sex, like I am 16 or 17 again, but this time everything is working well”.
“I don’t feel like a burden anymore, I am not second guessing myself anymore, or worrying about her thinking about someone else. I know she is really into me, because of this connection I feel with her now, which I have never experienced with anyone before, because there were these blocks.”
“EFT has helped me remove the physical and mental blocks to achieving orgasm during sex. I can’t explain how that works, but I have felt both the physical and the emotional shift in my body and mind, and then the results have flowed from the session”.
And the results have lasted.
I asked Nick what would he say to others about EFT if they were considering trying it for this type of problem. He said “EFT is a great way to talk directly to the problem. It’s like “We’ve run out of milk, so go and buy some more milk, rather than asking the question “did we ever have a cow?”
He was relating there to his previous experiences of talk therapy, which he found confusing and fuzzy, talking all around the problem rather than getting to the guts of it.
I find men like the directness of EFT, and the fact that you can achieve a great deal using a bare minimum of words!
Nick said he felt comfortable sharing his thoughts and feelings with me as a practitioner and therapist, on really sensitive topics like his feelings of weakness and inadequacy about himself sexually.
“Any uncomfortable stuff passed pretty quickly with the tapping, and then gave way to more positive thoughts and sensations in the body”.
He stated that EFT has changed the way he feels about his body in general.
“I used to think that the body I have been given was not good enough. There was so much shame, and hurt and pain. Now I feel more comfortable with my body, to be naked, to be in my own skin, and I know I can satisfy my partner really well. I have been able to accept myself and the relationship we have now is really special.”
Nick said he could see now that both he and his partner had been recovering from their own kinds of past trauma in different ways, and are healing together now.
“It’s fantastic how now I can release and accept that sexual pleasure of an orgasm during sex, and it is an amazing, loving, sexual experience.”
If you would like to read the earlier blog about Nick, click on the button below.