EFT / Tapping for men with sexual problems

“Nick” had such a positive experience of EFT/Tapping that he was happy for me to share his case study, as a means of helping others to know the possibilities with EFT/Tapping. He wrote a testimonial letter to help explain how EFT worked for him and we just changed the identifying details.

Nick was referred for help adjusting emotionally to their separation, and his new role as a sole parent in the time that he was caring for their children. In the first session we worked on how he felt about his wife leaving him, and his feelings of overwhelm now he had to manage everything without her.

In his second session Nick said he felt extremely embarrassed about what he wanted to work on, as he felt he “should” be there to work on his parenting issues. But what he wanted to focus on was his sexual relationship with his new partner. He stated that he had been feeling a lot of anxiety and insecurity, as well as unhealthy thoughts about himself based on his new relationship and his sexual experiences with this new partner. He was having trouble sleeping, as his sexual problems were really frustrating to him, and causing a lot of strain in this new relationship, which was otherwise very positive.

Nick wasn’t sure if this was an “appropriate” use of the session, but said it was bothering him a great deal.

I explained that I think of EFT being like a “torch” which we can shine on whatever the problem is, and just see what happens. I never give any guarantees, as everybody is so different, and I never know exactly how an EFT session is going to work for anyone. I also explained I had no real “expertise” in this area, although I had some experience in working with women on sexual problems using EFT, in my role as as Sexual Assault Counsellor, with some success. Nick was happy just to give it a try, as he was amazed at how the first session helped him.

But first we had to work on his embarrassment being 10/10. Nick felt this as tension in his shoulders and chest, his back felt tight, and he felt nauseated in his stomach. We did a few rounds of “sneaking up” on the problem, just acknowledging how hard it was for him to talk about this, as he felt “selfish, stupid and shallow” for feeling like this. He was then able to talk more openly about how he was feeling.

Nick stated that he felt scared 9/10 that he wasn’t going to be able to satisfy his new partner, and that she might leave him as a result. He felt this intensely in his thighs and genitals, and said that the only sex he had ever known had involved him being the one to give pleasure. He did not often orgasm during sex, but would “finish himself off” afterwards, and he now felt that this was not going to be good enough for his new partner.

He was scared that maybe he never really had known what sex was supposed to look like, and that was the reason his wife had left him in the first place.

After a few rounds of tapping on these initial emotions, Nick said he felt a lot of shame and guilt about how his marriage had ended, as they continued having sex although his wife was not really present emotionally. Nick said on some of those occasions he did actually make it about him, and he was able to orgasm. And he now felt selfish about that, filled with shame and guilt that he used her body like that, when he should have been more honest with her and himself, and left earlier.

We tapped on Nick feeling scared that if he could not orgasm normally with his new partner, then she would not not feel satisfied, as this was what had been happening. She felt it was because he wasn’t attracted enough to her, yet the opposite was true.

This scared feeling was 10/10, but with some focused tapping, it came down to 5/10 then 2/10. Nick felt a whole lot of tingling in his thighs and genitals during the tapping, and then his feet got really hot. He found it all a bit weird, but kind of cool. All we knew was energy was shifting around his body!

The next emotion we worked on was shame 8/10, which Nick felt as tension at the back of his neck and up to the base of his skull, like he was “lifting something heavy”. The shame he realised was about showing that he was enjoying the sex, as he had grown up believing that sex should be more about pleasuring the woman. This was no longer working for him, as his new partner was taking it personally that he couldn’t have an orgasm whilst making love to her. Nick had begun to fear moments of intimacy, and to fear losing this lovely new relationship due to his sexual inadequacy.

The shame came down nice and steadily to a 2/10 with lots of heat and sweating in the body, and energy tingling and shifting all over. It was fascinating to witness, and the results were immediate, in that Nick was able to have sex “normally” with his new partner almost straight away. I’m going to finish the blog with the end part of his testimonial, as it sums up the results of our work best.

“Through one EFT session I was able to release what felt like an emotional and physical blockage. A blockage I feel I have carried through every physical and emotional relationship I have ever had. I spoke my truth without eye contact, and with great shame at first. It was confronting to speak these things out loud. Of foreplay, and cumming (or not). Forbidden topics….maybe even more forbidden for me as a man, to express my sexual weaknesses, flaws and insecurities out loud. But the negative sensations gradually gave way to positive sensations.

I loved that I was using my own words to express what I was feeling, however crude or inarticulate my words around this issue were. I loved acknowledging and reflecting on the physical sensations within my body and how they reduced, shifted or changed as the treatment progressed.

I also really liked the visual aspect of a clear diagram highlighting what I’d said and where I was feeling things in my body on the big whiteboard in the room. This reduced the confusion and fuzziness I have felt at other forms of counselling, and helped me focus and feel safe.

The tapping and words created heat, vibrations and tingling within my body. Something had awoken!

Since this EFT session I have been able to celebrate sex with my new partner. We have fun together. The pressures of climaxing are not there. I achieve orgasm through penetrative and oral sex regularly and quite frankly it’s fucking awesome! And when I don’t, the shame and self doubt are not there.

But more than that. Sex has become a creative and liberating experience. By this I mean sex is more than just physical now. I am able to connect sexually through words, touch, food, music. I am also now open to receive these new forms of connection from my partner.

This in turn has cleared my mind. I sleep better, think more clearly and in my judgement I have become a more present father.

I am very grateful to the person who recommended EFT to me, and I would endorse its’ benefits to anyone wanting to shift negative emotions and/or improve their general wellbeing in a fast succinct manner.”

Is it any wonder I love my work?

Jules Vandermaat